Modern time is all about a blurred existence......what we do is often not clear to us...often we do question what we have achieved in doing so....and then answer is nothing....even if there are a few mumble .... even that may come after a toilsome scrutiny.....
it happened to me...just as those endless idiotic thoughts of mine...which come at the idle, void times that I often spend....
I have been avoiding.....rather keeping a deliberate distance from one of my friend....
tried hard to find out why?
answer is a perfect puzzle that I got.........long ago I accused him of one catastrophe that befell me....but then in another instance of my idle void time thinking I concluded that I suffered due to my mammoth mistakes...which I went on repeating, even when I suffered the same way before...
That was a consolation....after all it was not a betrayal by a good friend of mine....it was my own betrayal of myself....but as Conrad said..."the question is not whether we betray, we must and we should...the question is whom we betray...king? kin? or ourselves..."
so I had to....if not me then it would have been me only at the other end...I could not cope up......I spelt that out....that was betrayal.....if I had not...then that would have been another...but thats altogether a different question
then why am I keeping this distance?...perhaps I know not...
may be keeping a safe distance from a past that this friend is associated with...but could I really wipe that part out of my closet?
time will pass..and with each passing day...experiences will continue piling up and in the due course that piece of history will be lost....but will this friend go on reminding me of that ?...is that the reason I am distancing myself?
or is it...I have learnt to prioritize?
when I needed him...did he stood by me?.....come on he has is priorities!!!
and if he is exempted for his legitimate right of prioritizing, then I may enjoy the same right...and that way if I shuffle...is that my fault?
again I know not
but one thing is for sure...I am not happy....I miss him....those days of endless chats, those small meets, eating out....those fun and frolicks that we once shared
why then come up such unavoidable scar marks?...they leave no one happy...yet they stay.....why come in between those unspeakable issues....which if spoken will break the hell loose.....if not spoken....creates a hell out of the very existence.....why life takes these tough tests?...
only God knows....I know...what I do now......is solely my responsibility....if I suffer....that would not leave me with any opportunity to blame any good friend of mine....thats the way may be I will be able...to save those few..who are still there with me.....
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